Lilys of the Field

Could I date a guy who doesn’t think? Who kisses my forehead and asks me what I’m thinking and after I answer I ask him what he’s thinking and reminds me that he doesn’t think?

Do guys really not think?

The 4.5 Stages of Brief Greif. Of a loss that really isn’t much of a loss but instead a relief.

The Motto: “The moment someone decides to leave your life, let them go, it just leaves room for someone more wonderful to enter.”

Stage 1: Hurt. Crushingly painful hurt.

· Your vision becomes blurred, you’re heart slows and feels and immense pressure building up by the fact that you’ve been deceived and purposefully hurt and blindsided.

Stage 2: One second denial.

· For one split second, you think to yourself, they must be mistaken, they really aren’t talking about you, they have the wrong person.

Stage 3: Raging fury.

· Your blood pressure rises, your ears grow hot and cheeks red. Now you want revenge, to hurt them in the way they hurt you, despite the rule against an eye for an eye and two wrongs don’t make a right but you won’t let them get away with the knife in their hand.

Stage 3.5: Laughing at your foolery.

· It’s a low deep chuckle, the one that rises deep in your chest and as it escapes, you realize… how could you have been so stupid and blind. And it’s genuinely funny.

Stage 4: Over it and good ridden.

· You realized there’s no need to waste your time. Someone who is capable of hurting you does not deserve to evoke emotions, they certainly don’t deserve your tears and to create bad days. So you bounce back, wave goodbye, maybe send them a bird as the door closes and jump up and down and holler in celebration that the jerk is GONE!

How cryptic should I be
to tell you the flowers
were beginning to blossom
in the fields you showed me
two years ago built on promises
that are hollowing out and how
the wind blows evenly through
the whistling tree branches,
leaves shaking underneath
the thought of your touch.
The fortress burned down
from the fire I started and
you ignited. I can’t help
but collect these tears
in mason jars, hoping
you’ll ask for the proof
of the pain that visits
me when I sleep at the
silent midnight hour.
I found the woman you
hid a hole, barebones
and skinless—clenching
a shattered and broken heart,
death by hope and disappointment,
and I recognized her face, so sincere
and left loving a man who was too
preoccupied to mend the destruction
left behind by his words. Starlight
eliminated her body, as if an angel
brought her home safely.
Now, when do I start to protect myself?

Sticks can be thrown
and stones at your bones-
Though bruises will disappear
and breaks will repair—

But the hurt bottled inside
from steamed nasty words
boiled over and scarred
the heart can never heal.

I feel like I should apologize to you guys. I’m a person who believes in friendships and once you have a friendship, you stand by that friend no matter what happens because if something bad happens, that’s exactly what someone needs, someone who has their back and who will be there through thick and thin. I think I’m like this because I have friends who became my family and I have friends who have been through hell and high water with me, holding my hand no matter what was said about me, to me, around me.

I stuck up for him after whatever happened here in the community with him. I still don’t understand but because we had become friends, I trusted him and believed him after he told me his side of the story.

We kept in contact. On a daily basis sometimes. We had plenty of nasty arguments and I’m sure I said things that hurt and he also said things that hurt, but we talked through it and moved on from it. In fact, he told me he loved me, claiming he wrote his piece “Lover’s Leap” for me. I don’t believe I ever lead him on. I told him I was dating here and that I couldn’t say I loved him back. There was distance and so many other factors and I thought he understood.

I hope you know me well enough through my writing and what you know from small interactions and you know that I would never hurt someone with purpose a vigor I’m not being accused of.

We hadn’t spoken in a week, and honestly I can’t remember what our last conversation was about, he had been getting distant again. A week had gone by, and something felt weird. So I texted him and asked why we weren’t talking. He responded that he didn’t want to. I simply asked him to explain why and I would leave him alone.

Then I got a lovely message (thick thick sarcasm) from his cousin, telling me that I need to leave him alone and how much of a bitch I was to him, that I needed to accept the fact that I’m not his type and he doesn’t want to be with me.

So, I welcome you to tell me “I told you so” because I’m here to tell you were right. My instincts and gut feelings told me to believe him and trust him and still be his friend and it lead to me being treated like this. I do not ever deserve that. When the whole community turned their back on him, I just couldn’t and I get my heart squeezed.

He wasn’t even brave enough to tell me himself he had to send his cousin to do his dirty work. I have no idea what the hell happened, what caused him to attack me like this but it’s sure taught me a lesson. I think he is a coward for hiding behind her and I’m left a fucking fool. I did all I could to hold back the sudden gates of tears threatening to burst open while I’m at work.

I wasn’t going to say anything, I wasn’t going to out him here but I needed to write through it.

Andrew, I hope there’s a woman out there will to put up with the shit you’ve got built up around your heart, otherwise you will end up alone like you fear. I can’t believe you just treated me like that when I stood beside you. I have no respect for you and the fact that I can fully rid you from my life makes me feel a little bit more at ease.

I try to see the good in people, no matter what people say about them, giving them the benefit of the doubt.
I was played a fool and I feel utterly crushed.

I’m such a fucking mess.

I swear my heart breaks everyday for a boy I will never have. I’m breaking my own heart by holding onto him and everything he’s said to me. I don’t know how to let him go.

It’s never about the story, it’s about the way you tell it. It’s in the words you use and the details you expand on.

I want a daily reminder that
I define my own beauty. My skin
will age and wrinkle, my blue eyes
will fade and gravity will start
to take my womanly figure away.

There’s an ocean in my eyes
full of secrets and lies, deep with
hopes and dreams, fears and failures.
You’ll find messages in bottles dancing
with the waves keeping safe written
notes of empty promises and blood stained
and tear soaked pictures and memories.

Remember, when my life is over—my body
will in disappear in flames burning me to ashes
and dust and the only thing that escapes
it’s bone and organ infrastructure is my soul,
the essence you fall in love with.

Be my reminder, that my beauty never once
laid upon my skin but only forever within
the shell of a human body I was given
and when you devour my sexuality,
make love to me and not my body.

The weight of last night’s activities
lay heavy on your eyelids, sleep just
wasn’t an option when you let him
touch you longer than you ever
intended, but the rough skin on his hands
against your soft skin was hypnotizing,
especially when it’s been so long and
the one you want is too far away.
There were no fireworks and no racing
heart, except the one that thudded inside
your ear when you laid down on his chest,
his skin sticky with anticipation, you kept
his hands at bay, careful not to wander too
far, too fast—after-all he’s nothing but
a fill in, a good excuse for a bad boy,
even though you once thought that man
in the cowboy boots might be someone you
could really fall for but you noticed he was still
a child-and then the moment changed and
he became just like the rest, hungry
for sex and unsatisfied with you, so you
separated yourself and used him for his lips.

We wait
underneath the covers, for the monsters
to disappear
Or for someone to bring us out of the nightmares—
I just want to feel safe.