But loving less than you’re loved
lingers in the earth’s chilled atmosphere
with uncertainty of home sweet home
and when the moon rises high
finding midnight and shinning stars and
you’re standing alone, heart empty because
you’ve tried your hardest to remain
protected against humanity, you’ll feel the
weight of nothingness pressed against your
shoulders. Mother will actually tell you
to love with all of your
might and all your strength because
a life filled with love is
a life truly worth fully living.
I stand in a whirlwind
of doubt, my hands full
of the trust I carry and
the atmosphere thick
with the hopes I’ve dreamt.
I am reaching the horizon
in a cloud of determination
and I’ve never felt so alive.
We live in a ghost world, full of empty spaces
haunted by memories, the corners stuffed
with our dreams and nightmares. The air
stagnant around us, stuttering against
a cool breeze full of the whispers of
the secrets we lock behind our closet doors
hanging next to skeletons, our breakfast plate
full of clichés and misunderstandings—
that’s what the fog feels like against
my skin as I look through the window, imagining
myself inside the horizon, my wings spread wide;
happiness seeps through the cracks
in the tree branches and over the sidewalks, and I’m
thankful that I’m not really living this life alone.
There is so much I need to say
and so many ways to say them
but I can’t find the words I need.
I stand with labored breaths
underneath the yellow sky and
curling winds, waiting for the
clouds to fall. I can’t prepare
myself for the flames that
could engulf the fibers of
my being, but I can enjoy
the calm before the storm,
I can collect the peace
I feel. The biggest struggle
is finding ways to connect
to you, finding ways to tie
myself into you before you
realize and then realize
how we’re meant to be,
the calm before the storm-
my storm, your storm
I needed you to hear me
and I needed to hear you
tell me that no matter what,
when the world around me
burned at my feet,
you’d be there to rescue me.
and I’m scared
We’ve always been destined
for the journey we take—
How often we run along
the edges of cliffs—determined
to find our own set of wings—
We take stride in the sun
and moon, the light and
the shadows, and we pocket
the stars for wishes—take
my hand and I’ll show you
the way my world settles
at night and the way my skin
glows underneath your touch.
He told me that a year ago when it first messaged me, he was feeling pretty down and out on all the bad luck he’d been having over the last few months trying to date. He hadn’t ever messaged anyone first yet and that night he found the four most attractive girls he could find and messaged them. That night he had invited me out for a drink, I already crawled into bed in anticipation of a long day the next day and told him I’d love a raincheck. He told me he never thought I would have cashed that in, but I did.
I remember when I first saw him, he was sitting in the booth at Denny’s reading a book, white sweatshirt and baseball cap. He was so attractive. I knew after that first night that he was someone special. He had just found something out and when he told me I saw his heart break, he excused himself and told me he was going to lie and say he was going to blow his nose, but it was clear that he needed to get his composure back.
I ordered some banana walnut caramel pancakes, I believe and he ordered a salad, I think. We talked about horrible dates and our online dating experiences.
He walked me to my car and hugged me and we went our seperate ways. I’m pretty sure it was September 30, because I remember thinking that the next day was my favorite month, October.
I can’t believe that was nearly a year ago. I knew then how much I liked him and in turn my emotions were set ablaze and I couldn’t handle them and we weren’t good at communicating. I didn’t know what he wanted, except I knew he wanted sex and I couldn’t give it to him. I wasn’t ready.
After a while, we stopped talking, but over the last year he’d text me every once in a while. I went back online in attempt to move on.
After a few months of not seeing him, I had only been working at the mall a couple weeks, I was slowly getting ready to close up. This day was always a very bitter sweet day for me, it was the day my grandpa passed away but my birthday was also the next day. I felt someone standing in front of me, thinking it was someone with a question about the mall, I looked up and there he stood. My heart fell like a lead ball to my feet and bounced back into my stomach and up to my throat. We talked a bit and he told me to text him.
It wasn’t until a couple months later though, that I decided I didn’t want to lose him again. He texted me the night before I had a date with a guy I was actually excited to meet. I told him about my date and he told me he didn’t want me to cancel, in case this guy would have been the love of my life, but he’d like to hang out again. I told him I’d like that too. I didn’t realize then that everything over the past year, it came full circle.
The weeks leading up to this, I had a realization that for my whole life I had been allowing myself to be defined by my virginity, it started to make me feel sick. Guys didn’t see me as the woman I was, they saw me as a virgin. I had allowed this to go on far too long, it was time I took back my own identity. I allowed them to see me differently and I couldn’t let myself do that anymore.
The date I had was great, and at first, I had convinced myself there was a connection. I let myself get excited about that guy. I didn’t want to believe that it was him that I wanted all along, I didn’t want it to be true because of how hard that time with him was.
When the guy finally told me he hadn’t felt a connection, I didn’t want to believe he was right about that, but he was. And now when I see him post on facebook, I realize how glad I am that it didn’t work out.
I texted him and I told him I wanted him to come over and watch a movie with me, that I had missed him.
That was July 21st. We never put in a movie. I hadn’t planned on what happened that night, I couldn’t have, when he arrived the fact that I would save myself for marriage hadn’t changed. I knew, however, that something would happen, I prepared my body for it. My legs were shaved, I put on cute underwear, and made sure I smelled good.
The way he pulled me underneath him, the weight of his body pressing into mine, the way he moved his lips over mine, teasing me before actually kissing me. We moved into my bedroom. At that point, I still hadn’t thought I would have gave him my virginity, but the way he’s always made me feel and the way he touched me, I knew it was time, I was ready, I wanted it to be him.
Now, I can’t get enough. We’re not anything official, but I’m confident in the way things are going between us. I’m still getting comfortable having sex with him, experiencing new things I didn’t think I would actually experience for years yet, but here I am, not a virgin. My whole world didn’t implode, I didn’t become paralyzed. I’m still the same woman I was, but my idea of sex and sex before marriage and intimacy has changed.
I’ve never felt this way about any guy before and that scares me. I think it’s more than just having sex with him. I know that sex has bonded me to him in a way I’ll probably never be bonded to any other male in my whole life, but it’s more than that.
I know where I want this to go, and I feel he wants the same thing, but I guess that part is up to him. I’m ready for my next adventure, even if it takes a while to get there, but I can finally see it happening to me.
But I’ll let you know one thing, I refuse to fall in love with him without him falling in love with me too.
It’s such a big deal. I mean the weight of it alone could suffocate me. I want to be grounded in what I’ve imagined in my mind, the way I see things going, the way I feel that they are going.
How am I suppose to trust that he feels the same way I do, that I’m just as important, this doubt has become almost crippling but only in the stillness of his silence. I want to know what’s going to happen so I can prepare myself.