All we ever want to do is protect ourselves.
Protect ourselves from facing any kind of pain.
I let my guard down and I shouldn’t have
and I don’t know if I ever will again. 

I must be a fucking idiot.

I’ve always loved October;
and you give me another reason.


When you read this, I hope it means you’re spending time on my blog reading it, let me know and I’ll share with you what I made just for you to see. 


I dream.

It’s impossible not to dream
of all the possibilities in the days
to come that count down to when
the future starts, a timer that seems
to have started the moment I watched
you walk up my sidewalk, I stood
waiting for you to get closer in
my stocking feet and I felt the warmth
of your soul already coming over me.
Sometimes my fears seize my common
sense and patience, creating me to appear
unstable, and I beg you to see past 
that occasional imbalance. You may
have always been present and since
that night you gave me permission 
to let my hopes escalate. 


He chased after me, the way the monster chases
after the main character in last nights horror movie,
and I ran like my life depended on it until the earth
flipped upside down and the thrill of the chase
turned red and black checkered and I stopped and
turned around and he disappeared and the fear
in my heart siezed my chest like the heat from
a glowing branding iron and I felt frantic and panicked
and I knew I had to find him, he was mine and
I would turn to the dust of an hour glass if I was left
alone in this red walled room, every corner and every
shadow I searched and in every moment my heart
beat louder and louder, pumping through my ears
and echoing off the squares on the floor. I slipped
into the black hole and fell and fell and I couldn’t
stop falling, the way alice fell down the rabbit
hole and I wondered if he’d be there to catch me.

This is my fear, the unimportance I contain in your life, the insignificance of my presence. All those thoughts in your head and none of them are of me while I lay in the gutter, covered by the falling October leaves, your words pressed to my lips, bound at my wrists, stained on my skin like the dried blood from my open chest as all the fluids from my body drains into the sewer, taking my life with it.

We met in the middle of the desert;
my skin dehydrated and broken
and your touch burned like
the dull heat of the sun I squinted
my eyes against and I wondered if
you were a mirage, you looked like water
that I longed to satisfy my thirst as
my impulses to bury myself
in the defeat that I have felt too
lost, delirious, and bare evaporated—
your body wrapped around the cracks
of mine, soaking every fiber that held
the last of me together, and without hesitation
I wanted to infuse myself into tangles with you
and serve you the shattered pieces leftover
of my desires as we found our way out
of the desert I’ve been walking inside.

I think your relationships are more in your head than in your life.

maybe you’re right

I can’t even begin to describe
what it feels like when the sensation
of his advances washes over me,
the possibilities I sense behind
his words mixed with the terrible
realization that I’m left at home
again to wait and wait

and wait.

Lovers drown in the sea of reality
while waves keep rocking against
the shore, words washed up, dripping
ink and melted by the sun, these
are memories captured in a few
phrases, the way they made me feel
once upon a time and while I reread
I feel like I cheat when I remember
and all I want is to write him more
than I ever offered the men at the
bottom of the ocean in my eyes.

We often wonder if our hearts will ever be truly safe. 
I know I do. The one thing that freaks me out the most
is the silence, the absence of reassurance that he’s there
and you haven’t left his mind. I think it’s because I have 
been left in silence too many times. I wanted to hesitate,
his sudden presence in my life seemed too good to be true,
I finally felt that the genuine companionship I’ve desired
was at last within my reach

Like any woman, I didn’t want my legs spread apart
for his pleasure unless it was on my terms, and I
want him, but I didn’t just want a spare hour
from his day, especially the first time, I want
something special and memorable

Now I sit in silence, replaying all of his words
that seem to have promises behind them
and waiting to hear if I messed this up.

He told me I would have to let him in, and
I told him I was willing

and now,  the silence is scaring me again. 

My trust has the strength of graphene
and the warmth of the sun. Grown with
wings of freedom and the desire for
closeness. My love stands at the cliff,
as the breeze whirls around my legs,
and I am ready to fly or fall, with a new
sense of adventure while adrenaline 
pulses through my veins and my heart
tastes a new kind of strength-